Married but living single. You, as a couple are ONE, not two.

(Behaviour of independence from spouse)

In Norman Wright’s book MARRIAGE COUNSELING, he states regarding single lifestyle in marriage… Some people try to bring their single lifestyle with them into their marriages. They just add their marriage relationship to an already busy lifestyle. But this won’t work. (Dr. H. Norman Wright )

There is a custom in an area of the Netherlands where newlywed couples enter their house through a special door. The door is never used again until one dies and the body is carried out through that same door. Now that’s commitment to unity.

A good friend worked several years for a Cab company in California called United Independent Cab Company. That name drove me bananas because “united” and “independent” are completely contradictory terms. How can you be independent, all by yourself, and in harmony, united with something or someone you are independent from? You can’t. Really, you can’t. You can be in “line” with someone else’s goals, but never “intimate” with them as a person.

Remember this: When you were single before you were married, you were a separate, independent individual. You were complete all by yourself. But when you got married, you are no longer considered “complete” as a separate sole individual. In marriage, you are only completewith your spouse. The two is made one.

So, what happens when you divide or split ONE? You either get a half, or two separate pieces. Most of the time, you cannot put those pieces back together again the same way they were when they were one. In most cases, when it does come back together after the split, there are evident scars that can last a lifetime.

Simple truth be told; you are not independent of, but totally dependent upon your spouse for your completion. Your visions, dreams, aspirations and goals are now for BOTH of you to decide, agree and pursue. Independent attitudes will cause division within the marriage, and eventually lead to an affair, extreme distance, or divorce.

The Salt Covenant.

Many couples have lovingly made what is called a SALT COVENANT, which is practice in many Jewish weddings. It’s where the both individuals in the marriage pour salt into one vial. This is performed at many wedding ceremonies throughout the states.

This practice is derived from an Old Testament custom of permanence in promise and commitment. In Old Testament times, salt was the only means of preserving food, since there wasn’t any refrigeration available. Because of this each person carried around a little pouch of salt.

When someone made an agreement or covenant with another person, they would each take a pinch of salt from their own pouch and put it into the other person’s pouch.

The only way for one of them to get out of this covenant would be if they could each go back to the other person, and take back only the grains of salt that they had put into that other persons pouch.

Since it would be impossible to retrieve exactly and only your own grains of salt from the other person, This was to signified an unbreakable agreement.

You cannot separate your salt from your partners’ salt without taking some of their salt with you.

Read more about the practice of the Wedding Ceremony of the Salt Covenant. (The Salt Covenant)

It was once said to many students in a public school that they should never say “I need you” to their companion. They should be “complete” on their own and not “need” someone else. It was made to seem that needing someone else was a sign of weakness and incompleteness. Not the case at all.

What has happened to many couples, is that have learned to “survive” and rely on only #1; themselves. So, when they get married, it’s more of a “convenience of love” than a “dependency on love”. The “ADD” to the marriage, rather than are sustained by it.

Marriage was never intended to be simply a part-time job. You put in some hours, get a paycheck, then cash it in. If we’re not careful, and we treat our marriage in this fashion, just know that part-time jobs usually come second place to a primary job.

Our marriage must be FIRST PLACE and PRIMARY.

When discussing the closeness within our relationship to another person in church, they were amazed and replied “If something happens to one of you, you would be devastated.” Our response and reply to that statement is this: That’s exactly how it is supposed to be! If you don’t absolutely need your spouse, than why do you have them? So many couples feel so complete in their in their own, separate lives that having their partner is more of a “bonus” or “added blessing” than a real need. They truly are not “one” in marriage. This type of lifestyle has led to innumerable amount of divorces because they simply complete the separate lifestyle they are already living, even while married. It was only a matter of time.

Remember, it’s not about how others, or even today’s society “feels” about marriage. It’s about what Marriage is originally intended to be for you. That’s the reason to get married. It’s the reason to stay married and we encourage every couple to learn from any and every source on how to “maintain” the deepest, most intimate marriage they can have.

And most of all, learn how to be ONE!

Contact Mike & Trisha Fox at: foxfamiliy238@yahoo.com

Authors of Marriage For Today