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KonkNaija Media | May 3, 2016

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10 ‘good’ reasons to relocate from Lagos to Abuja… or not

by Akan Ido

With the population Lagos believed by many to be over-saturated, many are seeing the appeal of relocating to Abuja, the nation’s Federal Capital Territory to escape the daily hustle and stress of the city that never sleeps.

In this satirical piece on the Sunday Trust, author, Tope Fasua writes about 10 reasons why Abuja is the place to be… if you relish impunity that is.

Read below:

Ok here are 10 things you can do in Abuja that you can NO LONGER do in Lagos:

1. Drive without seat belts. The fear of LASTMA and other agencies like KAI, in Lagos, is the beginning of wisdom. Even the FRSC there is on top of their game. The thing is, no one wants to pay a fine of N25,000 or even have to bribe. Bribes start from say N10,000, so it is better to conform. Cynics should not focus on the bribery. In many societies, even the bribery is important to keep society in check. Everyone wears seatbelts in Lagos and the place is beginning to look like other modern cities in the world, where much premium is placed on safety. But in Abuja, you can avoid the trouble. We are still back in 1800.

2. Drive against traffic (one way). That crazy guy Fashola, would actually have you locked up in Aro Mental Hospital or Yaba Psychiatric, for at least a two weeks evaluation. People who are caught driving against traffic, can’t seem to understand why he would do that. But they also cannot understand why they should not drive against traffic. To them, their time is more important than everybody else’s. Psychologists say crazy people actually think others are crazy.

In Abuja here, everyone is a big man, and we have ample examples of madness to copy from our big men, who daily harass us out of the way with siren-blaring convoys. Fashola has had to arrest people himself, including army officers, for driving against traffic, or breaching the sanctity of the BRT lane, which line London bus lanes, are meant to encourage people to use the public buses. The idea is that public buses would move faster than other transport, hence the dedication of lanes, or fast-tracks, for them. In Abuja, who cares?

In fact, here in Abuja, the government suddenly banned the small green buses. All you have to do to know that government does care, is to go to Berger Roundabout around 630pm in the evening, or NICON junction, or in the morning, go and look at the stampede in Nyanya and Mararaba. In Abuja, the message is clear ‘get rish, or die trying’. It’s a wonderful place to live.

3. Paste posters anywhere about your political campaign, business, or church crusade. It doesn’t matter that this shows us up as pigs with diamond necklaces and gold wristwatches. Abuja is meant to be the Canberra of Australia, the Brasilia of Brazil, the Ontario of Canada, the Washington of the USA, the Milton Keynes of the UK, the New Delhi of India, the Abu Dhabi of the UAE. These are cities, sometime built from the scratch to make a point. In such cities, there are many standards. Others come to such cities to see how things are done properly. But not here. Politicians watch as the city decays, and they love it. Because they need to also paste their own posters. The city looks disgusting in many parts for this reason. Who cares? Most of our ‘leaders’ don’t ‘give a damn’! Abeg, give us another PDP Mega convention jare! In Lagos, that Fashola guy is busy disturbing everybody with LASAA – Lagos State Signage Agency, with all their rules trying to keep the city organized and clean. One signage in Lagos even says “Don’t mess with Lagos”. Another says “You won’t deface yourself, don’t deface Lagos”. Abuja however is the city of freedom. Unbridled freedom, without responsibility.

4. Bend down and take a shit on the expressway or in the dividing area between it. Taking a piss is not a big deal. We need the ammonia everywhere. When next you drive through the arterial roads, just look out. On any given afternoon, you would see many of these. In this “planned” city, no provision was made for public toilets, and no KAI to harass you for answering the call of nature. In the same manner, the belated pedestrian bridges, for which World Bank loans were taken, has now been stalled. And the dividers along the highway, meant to dissuade people from jay-walking (dashing across the road and endangering their lives), are now being destroyed by drunk drivers who ram into them and simply drive away when they survive. This is Abuja, the land of drunk-driving, braggadocio and impunity. You are most welcome.

5. Paint/spray your number on a public building, on a bridge or general area in full glare, soliciting for business. e.g. CALL 08012345678 FOR DJ, CALL 090887773773 FOR PLUMBER, FOR MECHANIC, FOR GARDNER ETC even the PROSTITUTES are planning to paint their phone numbers on the pavements of NnamdiAzikiwe expressway. It’s their RIGHT after all.

6. Take a phone call or send a text with one hand while driving.  Even public taxi drivers dare not take phone calls these days in Lagos. And almost everyone has a Bluetooth or other hands-free devices.

7. Eat and drink while driving. In fact you are encouraged to top up the alcohol level in your bloodstream anytime during the day, at our many beautiful parks. You have a RIGHT to drive in a stupor, and even an obligation to have ghastly accidents.

8. Throw trash out of your speeding car. You can actually empty a basket of refuse while driving at 180kmph. Isn’t that wonderful?

9. Have your children stick out their heads from vehicles when the driver collects them from school, or even while driving. Or show some love to your toddler by putting her on your laps while you drive at 160kmph.

10. Stick your left leg out of the window (maybe put it on your side mirror), while you control the levers of your car with the right leg.

So, just come here, enjoy the freedom. Who needs a Fashola to keep breathing down your neck?

I recently took the pictures of a mentally-challenged boy who sat for hours at the very entrance from the ‘international’ airport into Abuja, unmolested on the 28th of August 2013. Ha, who will dare touch him, before tribesmen come out daggers-drawn. And those in authority were busy rushing past him with their convoys on their way to the next most-important appointment. The boy welcomed all the dignitaries into Nigeria that day, including red-faced ‘foreign investors’, for he sat right at the exchange that takes you left to Abuja or right to Gwagwalada or Lokoja.

NB – Also many free mansions available. Thousands of people just nail planks on the windows of selected flats/rooms and live happily ever after. Many ‘big men’ who bought/built those houses have either died without their families knowing those houses exist, or they just have too many they have lost track. So you can stay here, rent-free forever. How’s that for hospitality?

Welcome to Abuja. If you detest discipline, this is the place to be. If you like to throw your weight around, deface the environment, announce how much a ‘big man’ you are, if you detest the march towards modernity, this is the place for you. If your ‘pastor’ has told you that you will make it, and your focus is simply on the money, why stay in Lagos? Pack your bags, take the nearest night bus at Mazamaza, and come to Abuja, ‘kiamaza’…

Source: YNAIJA